my boyfriend was engaged now shes coming HELP?
Well to start off with, let me tell you a bit about us. Im 23 hes 33. we've been dating for 3 years and have a pretty good relationship, i love him and i believe he loves me too. However there is one thing standing in my way of taking the next step. HIS EX FIANCE! It all started when we began to get to know each other closer after about 3-4 months dating, we spoke about our exes as you normally do, however he took it to the next level. He told me he once got engaged to his family friend. She was the love of his life and he loved her since they were little kids. He told me that the reason they didn't go through with it, was because of her parents who thought she was too young (17 at the time) and too good for him. He then told me about how gorgeous she was, how much I HAD HER EYES and how he used to go across the country to just see her (she lives in london but were from australia) Then he asked me "If your parents didn't want us to be together would you stay with me?" i thought about it and said "Im sure if we were both in love we could figure something out." Instead of looking relieved he looked upset muttering "guess she didn't love me then ey?" At first i was a bit put out but he assured me it was all in the past. 3 more months went past and i completely forgot about this girl, then one day when looking through his family photos, i saw a photo of her. I didn't know it was her of course and then therefore asked my bf who it was. He looked at the photo and his face instantly changed. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP OR EXAGGERATING I SWEAR. He looked so in love, he smiled so lovingly and kept staring at the photo. After a couple more seconds without a reply i asked again, he carefully put the photo back in the stack and then said "That's my cousin" I didn't believe him. I just knew it was this girl from the way he held and looked at the photo. I interrogated him and he eventually gave in and told me it was her. I asked him why he had this photo and he said he didn't know it much have been his families. I left it alone after he once again assured me its all in the past. However there were more incidents to come. A year into the relationship we were discussing baby names (joking around) He suggested Sandra, i didn't know the girls name at the time since i wasn't the jealous type i didn't look into it. Later however i found out that HER NAME WAS SANDY. Still i though i was exaggerating and there was nothing to it until it was time to meet the parents. I found out from them that they were extremely fond of her, she was a model and Absolutely gorgeous (I then remembered him mentioning that he would love a gf who's a model). Her photos were also all over the walls because sandra is related to his sisters husband (THANK YOU FOR MENTIONING THAT NOT) Anyway Im the type to always do cutesy things (drawings, letters you know) he always loves them but then quickly misplaces them and they are never to be seen again. I never got angry because i figured boys will be boys however a year and a half in i found a letter from SANDRA hidden in his cupboard. It was a hand made card and dated 5 years from then however it looked like it was brand new, so well kept. My bf got fired from work around then so i let that go and didn't say anything. about a year ago however i snapped when i found out he was using his sisters facebook to contact her. I knew they were talking because i could see from his sisters emails that they were contacting each other. However i couldn't find out what was said as he would delete the evidence. I told him straight out that i had enough of this girl and it was me or her. He immediatley said me, that he was only been nice and he loved me. Ok now today i find out shes coming here from london and staying with his sister (they live 2min from eachother) for 2 months...i have to attend a wedding with her in a week!!! i dont know how to act, i dont know how i want my bf to act. I dont know if i can deal with her been in my life forever! HELP PLEASE! let me know what you think does he sitll have feelings for her? what do you think? should i be nice and pretend like its not awkward???? THANKYOUUU Btw she is now 26 and i think her parents are warming up to the idea of her getting married :| I understand all your comments and agree but i also forgot to mention that she has a great resemblance to me - hair colour and style, eyes, figure and sometimes i cant help but feel that that's why he is with me :(
Weddings - 4 Answers
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1 :
he very obviously has feelings for her, but that is quite natural...for a person to always have feelings for their first love, especially if it was serious enough to get to engagement. the thing you need to be concerned about is what if anything he intends to do about his feelings. if she is currently available, there is a chance he will want to get back with her if she is open to that, but there is still the problem with her parents, which i assume did not just go away. i think it is far more likely that he realizes that she did not love him enough to find a way to be with him and that may hurt him for now. seeing her again may be hard for him and may reawaken some strong emotions, but if she is still not willing to be with him, it will all be for nothing. what you need to decide is whether or not you are willing to wait for him to work through all of this and wait for the day when this relationship is properly relegated to his past and left there. it will die a natural death eventually, but that may take time and patience on your part. if you feel your relationship with him is worth it, then hang on. if not, move on. it is up to you. in a perfect world, the person we love will love us back just as much and as strongly as we love them and neither of us will have any emotions or feelings left over for other people from our past, but we do not live in a perfect world, and people are complex and emotions, especially for guys, die hard. the reason i say "especially for guys" is because for some reason men have less defensive ablities to ward of the emotion and pain of a failed relationship than women do, so once they have committed to a love relationship with a woman, it is hard for them to let it go if it is the woman who initiates the break up...perhaps it is related to male pride, i don't know. i just know that it is what it is. as for attending the wedding, well that is up to you. but if it were me, i would go and show your bf that you are a strong and capable woman who has no fears and no insecurities just because of an ex...even if she is drop dead gorgeous.
2 :
Oh My Gosh, i feel soooo bad for you. Ok well it seems like he still has some feelings for Sandy and im not going to tell you what to do with your relationship but you should follow your heart, if you still love him and he loves you , you should stay with him. If you can trust him not doing anything with Sandra you should be fine. and I would act normal around Sandy, dont freak out or anything. But if your bf starts acting like he likes sandy more than a friend i would start freaking out. hope this helps!
3 :
It sounds like he never REALLY got over her, but keep in mind them being friends before hand. He did want to marry her, but it also sounds like he wants you because he can't have her, but he will more than likely never have her, so I wouldn't worry. As far as the letter goes, he probably saves it as a reminder of her, but your letters he doesn't have to keep because he has you, and I'm sure, from what you say, he loves you. It'll probably be good to meet her and you might even whined up friends. When you meet her, just say that he has spoken fondly about her and that you like to get to know her better. That's always a great starter line for this situation, in which I have been in. Remember that saying, keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer. Well, it's true and it does help in relationships. If you love him you'll befriend her. Some changes are required in a relationship, even difficult ones.
4 :
Let me tell you what my future mother in law told me. My fiance has a childhood family friend that he used to like. They had major crushes on each other growing up. When I found out she was coming over to his house with her parents (I was there), I couldn't take it and stayed in his room with the door locked the entire time. I told my future mil that I would punch her in the face if I saw her, lol. She sat me down, and told me this. "He only has eyes for you. You must accept that this girl is a part of his life, and she will not go away. She is a family friend, and her parents are among my best friends. Your boyfriend has known her since they were in diapers. She is a part of his past, and you cannot erase that no matter how hard you try. Your life would be a whole lot easier if you could just accept that. Tomorrow, she is coming with our family to the festival. You CANNOT let her know that she's get to you, or you show your insecurities. If you want to be the mature one, you will politely say hello and introduce yourself and leave it at that. Let her know that you are secure in your relationship, and that her and your boyfriend's past does not bother you in the least, because you know he's all yours now." That changed everything for me. It turns out, later on that night, my boyfriend at the time proposed to me!!! So you can imagine the smile on my face when I shook that girl's hand with the hand that I had my ring on. ;) I'm not going to answer the question "does he still have feelings for her?" Only you know the answer to that question. Even if he does have feelings for her, give yourself more credit! You've been his ONLY one for the past three years, and you aren't going anywhere anytime soon. In other words, as insecure you are about this girl, she feels just as insecure about you as well. What I mean is you say she's "absolutely gorgeous" and I'm sure she's probably saying something like "he must love her if he's been with her for that long..." Get me? You both are insecure when it comes to the other. You are better than that, and you are better than her. Show her that. Smile, shake her hand, introduce yourself. Act as if you have no reason in the world to be worried about her, and that will make her the insecure one. Hold your boyfriend's hand and don't show any signs of jealousy, and don't be all over your boyfriend either. Have a nice balance. Hold his hand, smile at him, laugh at his jokes. You want to come across to her like you two are happier than ever, and that you have no reason to worry about her whatsoever. At least that's what I did, and it worked out for me well. I wish you good luck hun, I can only imagine how difficult this is xx
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